How Flowers Saved My Relationship

Yesterday was a bad day. Wait. That's the understatement of the century. Yesterday sucked a big, fat toe. Sure there were reasons for my emotional outbursts. I mean, I woke up sad and angry, but it really was a crappy day. I know, I know, I could have made the best of it. But every now and then I like to feel sorry for myself. I woke up crying. I woke up mad at Andrew. I woke up not wanting to go to work. I woke up feeling ugly, mean, unimportant, you name it. I probably should have never woken up! Shortly after getting to work, I did what every selfish person in the world does when they're upset. I started lashing out at my loved one. It's Andrew's fault I moved to Texas. Away from a cush job with incredible opportunities. Away from my family and friends. Away from my awesome condo. Shame on me for moving here without him first proposing to me. by 9 am, I had started doing that psychotic thing he and every man in America hates. I blew him up with angry texts. Through tears I told him he can no longer sleep on my couch. (After all, why would he wanna marry me if I'm too available?) I told him I'm moving to Austin near my sister or back to Memphis. I told him I was so offended he hadn't proposed to me yet. I pretty much blamed him for my unhappiness. On the way home from work I laid into him. I have never screamed and cried like that to him in my life, but I did. I told him I'm miserable and that I guess I had to jump off the cliff for him to realize that. Then I hung up on him. When I got home I found flowers and a precious note. It was what I needed. The note revealed his love for me. It showed me that he loves me and wants the best for me, even if it meant moving. Even if it meant him being miserable (because he loves it here).

And that's all I needed. (He also left me a Ziploc bag with flowers that Belle had chewed up!) I needed to know I was loved. I went on a long walk and did some soul searching and came to a few realizations. I love Andrew. I love him so very much, and I don't want to break up with him. There is no one else for me (though he told me I could make out with my choice celebrity if given the opportunity). I can't imagine life without him, but at the same time I am meant for more than marriage. More than being a loving girlfriend. I have always felt called to be more and do more. I have always felt the need to change people's lives, and I can't do that when I'm turned so into myself. That's when I realized that the problem is me. It's all me. And if I love him, if I truly love him the way he loves me, I have to try harder. I have to try before I pack up my toys and leave the sandbox. I can find friends. (I joined a book club yesterday). I can make a point to go to Sunday School. Because a lot of this stems from me not prioritizing my relationship with the Lord. I am not filled by God so every day I have been walking over to Andrew with my huge barrel to be filled. I am not prioritizing exercise, and I need that. The problem is me.

Today may bite. The next week may bite, too. And I may try and try and I'm just not supposed to be here. The point is I am gonna try. Flowers and a note are just gestures. They are not the breaking or making point of a relationship. But they are exactly what I needed to wake me up from my self-pity trance. So stay tuned.....